Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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