Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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