I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize