all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
