I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think I just sharted jello shots
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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