Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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