I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
