I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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