just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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