I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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