I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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