I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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