The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize