dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
