god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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