I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
