I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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