so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
