I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
