Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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