you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
