So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
