I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
