Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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