if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
