Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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