i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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