My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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