the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
