"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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