4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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