just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
