All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
worst night to have a conscience
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
