I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
