Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
