Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
