Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
