Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize