She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
