Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
