chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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