I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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