My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
