K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize