First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
