if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
