I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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