The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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