you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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