Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
