i would punch a child for taco bell
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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