what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
