I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
