I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
