And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
