So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
