Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize