Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
