i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
