I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
